Happiness is a warm gun

It’s Saturday and I’m inside my apartment, I was supposed to go to a game in the morning but I was super tired and didn’t want to go, mainly tired. So here I am, trying to reconnect with my writing, not that I’ve ever been connected with it, I’m just trying to figure out how to say the things I want to say.

Since this is supposed to be a place for writing about lyrics, I want to share a song I really love:

The Beatles - Happiness is a warm gun

And here we go!

“She is not a girl who misses much”. OMG I really love this song, and I don’t even know exactly what it is about, I mean it happens to me all the time, most of my favorites songs meaning are a mystery to me.

I used to think it was about missing in the sense of nostalgia. And I just discovered and understand that it was not about that. Language barriers you guys!

Anyway, I’m not a girl who misses much (talking about missing people), I guess that is because I’ve been forced by life to be this way, I grew up in a little town and I always wanted to go to the city and do stuff (And here I am in a Saturday afternoon “doing stuff”). But the thing is, I wanted to be far from home, don’t get me wrong, I love my family, but I guess the magic is in not getting to see them too much, so when I see them I just enjoy every single second.

And then: Do do do do do do do do, oh yeah. (I won’t try to analyze that part for Christ sake).

Then I’m gonna jump (cause’ life is too short you know) to this:

I need a fix cause I’m going down

Down to the bits that I left uptown

I need a fix ‘cause I’m going down

Maybe it is because of the way John changes the rhythm and his voice is just beautiful in this part. And of course it is because the words were put in the right way, just waiting there for you to listen to them, waiting for you to feel them, I need I fix cause I’m going down, so I need something and I need it now because I’m going somewhere.

And also, I love this part because I’m always searching for a fix, and it’s not that I don’t accept myself as I am, but I want to live different things and there are certain ways in my personality that don’t allow me to do so. So yeah, I need I fix cause I’m going fucking down.

Mother Superior jump the gun. I gotta say that I like this because of the scene in Across the universe. That’s it I said it!

Happiness is a warm gun

And the best part of the song, the tittle and what I like to call my personal anthem. Happiness is dangerous, you get it, you live it, you enjoy it, and when it leaves it leaves you crying.

When I hold you in my arms

And I feel my finger on your trigger

I know nobody can do me no harm

You take it, you laugh and you yell, you breathe and the air feels exactly like it should. You run and you almost fly, you get to see the stars and the moon. You feel like you can touch the sky and the clouds, you are unstoppable. It can kill you, but it doesn’t matter. You are alive and things finally make sense, and if they don’t you don’t care because happiness is a warm gun.

And this is one of many songs I love, I’m pretty sure I’m gonna talk more about The Beatles songs. I just love them so much, and I don’t even consider myself a big fan, I just enjoy their music more than any other artists, so I apologize to the people who are actually big fans.

Be good guys!

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Million years ago - Adele.

That’s it, there is nothing else I should write, you should just go look it up and die in peace. That song is one of the most amazing things that have ever existed in this world. And that’s saying something. But I’m gonna talk about this song, and you are gonna listen to it.

The year begins and I start once again waking up early going to work, coming home, spending time on the internet, reading, listening to comedians, listening music, trying to write… eventually going to sleep on that bed that I keep saying I’ll replace because it’s killing me slowly, and finally waking up again. I’m doing this every day and I don’t know if it is because of the decision of my brother who’s not coming to live with me at the end as we planned last year, I don’t know if it is the fact that I’m doing nothing other than work, but I started questioning again, thinking, asking myself what’s going on. And then today I listened to this song, I listened to it on my way home a couple weeks ago, but today it hit me, it sounds inside my apartment, and it goes inside me too, tearing me apart.

Yeah, it makes me sad, but not sad in a bad way, in a suicidal I’m all alone and that’s how I’m gonna die way… More like in a nostalgic way.

Every single line of the song. It reminds me of my childhood and also adolescence. I won’t put the lyrics, but I’ll talk about the song line by line anyway.

When I was a kid I used to think about the future like a lot, I used to think about me becoming a teacher, or a scientist, an astronaut maybe? But more than anything I used to wish for the day I’d leave my small town. Not because I didn’t like it, I loved it there, I had an amazing childhood, I was really happy there. But something inside me always told me to leave, to go outside, to see the world. And I left when I was 18, I took the person I was and I put it in a city where I didn’t know people, where everything was different, and since I did so much had happened.

I made mistakes, I made the right decisions, I tried, I failed, and sometimes felt like I was on top of the world, some others I felt like garbage. I have days like that still now, I have a great job and still, I’m not as happy as I thought I would be. So I dream, I think about the future like when I was a kid, I think about getting to a point in my life where I’m really happy, getting to a point where living is amazing every minute, not just when things go well. And it’s when I miss the child I once was, that child who dreamed about leaving and left, that child had the nerve I lack today. I don’t have the nerve to quit all I have, not in this moment anyway. And I keep existing, and I cry and sometimes I can’t even cry, just miss, miss my childhood, the happiness of it. But it is far, it is over, all I have now is the person I am, and all I can do is try again whatever I’m trying.

It is more and more difficult to go home, these holydays I felt like an outsider, my mom had changed with me, she’s not the way she was, neither my dad, and I changed too. And I want to try and I can’t, and I fail again and again.

“Sometimes I just feel it’s only me, who never became who they thought they’d be”

So Adele is human, and so am I. It happens, a lot, we feel alone sometimes.

I love this song, and this is the way it feels to me, it makes me think. And of course the voice of Adele is wonderful.

I don’t know what else to say, so I guess I’ll leave it here and go to sleep/cry listening to this song.

Adele 25 I'm almost 25 childhood family happiness nerve music dreams

Overseas now

I never know how to start anything, I don’t know when something is over, I don’t know how to say goodbye or hi as a matter of fact.

I should be outside looking for something to eat, but I had a weird dream last night, it involved death, not even someone I know in real person, but it felt wrong and I was so sad. I was so confused and afraid when I woke up, so the first thing I did was look it up on the internet, thank god this person is still alive and living, being happy as they can be. And I guess the dream made feel like it was a good idea to write a little.

I noticed I’m a sensible person, I mean I’m more now than when I was a child or a teen. I feel things more intensely and I try to be good.

There’s an artist I love, a person I listen to trough their music, music that is so important to me, because since I’ve been listening to it, it became a way to understand myself a little better.

I’m talking about Mal Blum, I’ll let their info at the end. Mal Blum has a way to write things about their life, as if they were writing about mine. I feel so connected to the lyrics and the music, and of course that peculiar and beautiful voice that they have. Their music is as I said, personal, they’ve said it, and I love the last album they dropped, but today I’m gonna talk about a song from the album before the last one, the album is called Tempest in a teacup, and the song is Overseas now.

This song is very precious to me, I don’t know if it is my favorite because I also love so much Baltimore (also a Mal Blum’s song), but I wanted to write about it, so… Let’s just say that it is really special to me.

The song starts with a situation that involves cleaning, but more important, about not knowing what are you doing, I have this constant problem of questioning myself, asking myself if I’m okay, if I’m doing the right thing, if what I’m doing is really making me happy, and sometimes I say yes, and sometimes I say, I say I don’t know, I want to say yes but I say I don’t really know, I wonder if it is okay that this is good for me, but I don’t know and keep doing it, I keep wondering. I believe that I’m a strong person, but I guess I don’t have the nerve to quit everything and start doing the things that I believe would be better for me.

I take this song as something that I’m telling to myself, like, you know what, I know you, I’m inside you and I know what is actually going on, I know when you are actually happy and I know when you are just acting. And even so, I don’t really know you. I don’t get you. We are lost, this is lost.

And then, my favorite part:

I’m a rising star, I’m a sinking ship
You’re a work of art, something delicate
You’re my mother’s son
You’re my favorite song
I’m the things you hide
When you turn the lights back on

I did this thing, I like to do stuff because I want to, I don’t like when people tells me I shouldn’t do something because whatever. It makes angry and I don’t like that. And so, last month I decided I was gonna get that tattoo I wanted time ago, and I knew it would be about this song. When Mal sings “I’m a rising star, I’m a sinking ship” I melt. It is so true to me, I get that, I feel like it’s something that happens to me a lot.

I feel super strong, I feel happy, I have hope, I believe in my dreams, I sing and dance and have the feeling that everything will be fine, yes I am a rising star.

But then, the feeling of wellness goes away and I become a sinking ship, I don’t know what to do with my life, I don’t know what should I care about, I have doubts and I get sad, I cry for no reason, and I don’t know myself. And I’m lost. As the song says, I’m a one or two or three pages explanation.

But it is weird, because I feel like, I feel that when I’m a sinking ship I’m stronger, I feel that when I’m a sinking ship I can take the right decisions to be real happy, I feel like I need to feel broken to start fixing myself.

So, it is fine at the end, to be a rising star, to be a sinking ship.

Then Mal talks about Audrey Hepburns and Paul Varjack. And I have to say that just now, when I decided I wanted to write for this blog again, I said okay, I need to watch the movie. And Oh my god! It is an amazing and beautiful movie. I completely recommend it.

In fact I want to extend this a little more. In the movie Holly talks about having the mean reds and Paul tries to correct her by saying it is actually the blues. And then she explains what she means with it and it is beautiful, here’s what she says:

“The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you’re afraid and you don’t know what you’re afraid of.”

And that’s exactly how I feel sometimes and I guess I just found how to call it now, right? Thanks Mal Blum.

Overseas is such a beautiful word, and I feel like I’m overseas now, like I’ve been overseas always. I guess someday I will find my land, I guess someday I won’t have the mean reds anymore.

malblum the mean reds overseas now rising sinking